Take a hint!

Sigh. Why do some people seem unable to take a hint? After a mild dalliance last year, I now have a situation where a guy just will not leave me alone. I don’t care that you miss talking to me, I don’t care that you’re still single. What I would like is for you to forget my number.

I get how after a relationship it can be hard to let someone go. I mean, I begged and pleaded to have my ex back, though now I know I wouldn’t go back in a million years. But this guy knew me for what? A couple of months? I don’t understand how someone can get that attached and/or not take a hint.

When I said I didn’t think it was a good idea to talk anymore, I meant it. When I blocked you on Facebook, I meant it. So why not accept it and move on? I can be fairly heartless, I know, but really? It’s starting to creep me out now and since my mobile phone operator can’t block numbers, I’ll have to either get a new one or live with it.

Fantastic.

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The Laws of Attraction…

I had a very interesting thought today after reading a fellow blogger’s post. Someone had asked for an opinion on how a guy would know if a girl was still into him, and the reply she gave was very different to mine. Neither of us were right or wrong, but it did get me thinking about how on earth guys are really meant to know how we feel about them if we don’t communicate it with words.

Having looked online, the most common signs that a female is flirting with you are:

  • smiling
  • physical contact e.g. touching a guys arm while laughing at his joke
  • playing with hair/fidgeting with something
  • mimicking body movements
  • isolating herself

This, to me, is nothing new. It’s almost like a second nature to know certain ‘tells’ when someone likes you through a combination of personal experience and media influences. But what if you don’t behave in this way? Like, for instance, me.

It may be that my judgement is being clouded by the image of a sweet, demure girl twiddling her hair and throatily laughing at a guys crap jokes, but my style of flirting can be quite…well…confusing for a guy I think. I can be really quite sharp. My sense of humour is what you’d call caustic and even though I’ll smile when I’m giving you some acidic remarks, it wouldn’t surprise me if some guys had zero idea that I was flirting with them. I’ll always retort, usually sarcastically. I love a good battle of the minds. That, to me, is my biggest ‘tell’. If I’m giving you the time of day and we’re exchanging in a game of verbal tennis that would put Serena and Venus Williams to shame, you can almost guarantee I fancy the pants off you.

Not only am I quite insulting, but my version of bodily contact is more likely to be in the form of me swatting your arm, upside the head or shoving into you than anything else. A bit like a little boy would tug on a little girls hair if he fancied her. Clearly, I’m a wee bit strange. I don’t isolate myself either. If a guy is going to make a move on me, he’d better be comfortable approaching me no matter what group I’m with. Doesn’t mean we have to stand in the middle of my friends while we talk, but don’t expect me to sidle off the corner of the room like a damsel in distress. If we’re talking one to one and we’re in a loud place, chances are, I wont even be looking at you. I’ll have my ear as close to your mouth as possible while I’m looking in the other direction. Why? Because personally, I like to use as many of my senses as possible. I want to hear your voice, I want to feel your breath. I’m not bothered about staring intently as your plump lips open for you to say something brilliant.

I’ll accept the smiling and fidgety behaviour, I think that’s fairly normal. Who talks to someone without smiling if they’re attracted to them? And who would sit stock still chatting to someone? It’s pretty rare. But it still doesn’t detract from the fact that even though you can display the tell-tale signs, you can so easily confuse a guy if your style of flirting is a little off, like mine. Unless you find someone who flirts back in the same way, and that’s where the fun is, for me anyway. We’re all human and to some extent we will all use the same body language when placed in a certain situation, but my advice to any guys out there…just make a move. Trust your gut. What’s the worst that could happen?

Hangovers, Cuddles and Seduction…

Just when you think things are going smoothly, someone comes along comes and throws everything out of kilter. Friday night saw me out for drinks after work, something I rarely used to indulge in, but it was a double leaving do – it would’ve been rude not to! And, OK, I had an ulterior motive. A friend, I’ll call him Mr Music, who I’ve suddenly found myself lusting over for the past few months, was also going to be there. Add to the fact that things had got a little…strange over the past few weeks and I had to find out what the hell was going on. After some texts were exchanged, he’d disappeared and I ended up feeling like a total twat.

One of the things I love about being single is that I can go out, shake my booty and have a drink without thinking ‘I have to be home at xpm’ which is what I was used to. Knowing that I had nobody to think about or go home to was probably one of the things that made my night as good as it was. Sad, perhaps, but true nonetheless.

I’d met an old workmate I’d not seen for years and as we were catching up, in walks my friend, Mr Music, with his cheeky smile as if nothing had gone awry between us. I’ve been getting into astrology recently and he’s an aquarius. One thing I’ve learned is that aquarians don’t do pressure. So, I ignored him. Well, I waved hello, motioned we’d catch up later, but then ignored him pretty much and concentrated on the old workmate I was with. A couple of hours later, the air was cleared and we were back to our normal flirty selves. A few cocktails and cheeky shots of Jager and we were on the dancefloor. And just when I thought we were back to being friends with basically no intimacy, he pinned me down (not literally, I wish!) on the sofa in the bar and we chatted. He doesn’t want to get hurt, I tell him not every person is going to hurt you. He tells me I’m pretty fabulous, I smiled and said, ‘I know’. I’d told him I’d got him a birthday present, a thoughtful one, and after pressing me, I told him what it was. Which I’m pretty annoyed about now, but at least I know he’ll like it and I think he was¬†genuinely¬†taken aback in a nice way when I told him what it was. It was one of those really weird, surreal conversations that you only get when you’re half-cut. Honestly, I can’t remember all of it because all I was aware of was how damned close he was to my neck. Send a tingle down my neck and I’m pretty much yours. So, with the heat of his breath and all that good stuff, I was only half listening.

In the end, we left, without even saying goodbye to our friends. He wanted a kebab and I wasn’t going to say no and when he invited me back to his, I accepted. With this guy, I know he values my friendship more than anything else, so when he said purely platonic, I knew that’s what it would be. That, and the fact that Aunt Flo’s in town meant nothing else was going to happen. It’s funny, I think my pheromones draw him in because most times we meet up, including the last time which did end in some fumbling, was not the right time for me. In any case, we got a cab, went back to his, ate and slept. Yep, not even a snog. He did pull my head onto his chest, which was nice, but seconds later he was snoring his lovely head off.

Now, hangovers aren’t nice. I was teetotal for about 8 years and I’m still not great with the roughness of the next morning, but I woke up first, tiptoed to the loo so as not to wake his housemate and tried to go back to sleep, ignoring the fact that my head felt like a sledgehammer was being wedged into it and my feet hurt something rotten. When he (finally) woke up, he stuck a DVD on and indulged me in some cuddle time. This is a man who doesn’t do soppy. At all. But he has this way of making me feel like when we’re together, he’s totally in the moment. Could I have kissed him? Absolutely. Would he have kissed me back? No doubt about it. One of the things we’d both laid bare the night before was that we both fancied the hell out of each other and at some point, sparks are going to fly. But even so, not a single drop of bodily fluids were swapped. I loved that I could just lay with him, without having to think about anything at all. I’d thought he’d maybe forgotten about the last night we’d spent together, but he’d said certain things that I thought he’d be too drunk to remember. And when the time came to get dressed, there was no awkwardness. Never mind the fact that our limbs had literally been tangled all morning or that he’d seen my stupidly wayward morning hair and puffy eyes. We got the tube together – him to go to meet his mates and me to go home and sleep.

But now, I cannot get this guy out of my head. It’s ridiculous, because we’d go for months without speaking before. But now he’s occupying a space in my mind that I can’t get him out of. When his birthday finally arrives, he has to be prepared because this going to be a targeted seduction. It’s something I’ve never set out to do before, but believe me, I got the lingerie, the perfume, the outfit. It’s the only thing I can think of to satisfy this itch and based on our past couple of encounters I think it’s fair to say we’ll have fun.

Of course, there is the question of whether things will change when (not if) I finally get him into the bedroom. I’d hate for our friendship to change in a bad way and I know that’s what he’s scared of too. Having said that, it’s been 4 years of flirting and heavy banter, and a good 6/7 months of mutual attraction, and that’s a long enough wait, thank you very much. For now though, as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t exist unless he contacts me first. I’ve learnt not to over-text this aquarius man and if this is anything to go by, the thrill is definitely in the chase. Of course, it does mean I’ll have to unleash my intensity when I see him next instead of in a steady stream over the next few weeks, provided he doesn’t suddenly change heart or meet the love of his life. Hope he knows what he’s in for.

I have arrived!

Phew. It’s only taken a couple of hours, but I’ve finally moved my blog to its new home. Now, quick introductions for anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across my blog (odds are low, the whole world seems to be blogging now): I’m 28, from London, good job, nice family, friends etc etc etc. In other words, fairly normal. Though I do like to talk. A lot. I’ve always been pretty crap at keeping diaries as I only ever tended to write in them when things were dire, but I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to write even when I feel good to remind myself that, as shit as things can get, they usually balance themselves out.

Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. After feeling perfectly fine for a good while now, I ended up having a huge argument with the F-wit ex. It’s amazing that he still manages to wind me up like this, but it’s another lesson learned. They say love is blind and it’s really true. Having put up with so much for so long, I can now look back and know that I won’t EVER put myself in that situation again. After a decade long relationship, I’ve come to realise the following:

  1. When it’s over, it’s over. Do not go back. Do not beg to be taken back. It ended for a reason (although I did clench my fists when people said this to me, it’s indeed very true).
  2. Your friends are your lifeline. I don’t have many, I prefer close friends to many acquaintances, but bloody hell, did they prop me up. I went from being certain I’d made the right decision, to going off the rails, to becoming an angry snivelling wreck and now I’m back to being my usual self. They’re diamonds – all of them.
  3. Now matter how amicable the split, being friends rarely works. After 10 years I couldn’t imagine my ex not being in my life. I still loved him, I just couldn’t be with him. But I can’t know what he gets up to now and I don’t want to, since the very reasons I left – the overuse of alcohol and recreational drugs, coming second to absolutely everything – hasn’t changed. Moreover, I don’t want to know when he’s seeing someone else.
  4. Sort out the nitty gritty stuff. I lived with my ex and when he stayed on in the flat, I left some of the bills in my name. Yes, I know, very stupid. But since he was only going to be there for a couple more months, what was the point. I was the one who left, I didn’t want to cause him more stress and all he had to to was pay them and direct debits are easy enough to set up right? Wrong. Never, ever, let someone have control over your finances. While he didn’t have my bank card or my purse, his failure to pay the bills has come back squarely on me. And now I have to find another few hundred pounds to pay this shit off (hence the argument today). No matter how much you love someone, when you leave – LEAVE. They can fend for themselves (in most cases). We all have to, it’s life.
  5. I’m pretty bloody fabulous. I’m not big headed – far from it. But I’ve come to realise I can actually do whatever I want. Yes my ex loved me but after such a long time, that spark had gone. The appreciation for the day to day things had long worn off and I’d walked around feeling…well…a bit like I wasn’t fulfilling my life. And, OK, so I’m living with my parents again (the shame) and my heart was broken, but I’m a great person. I have a decent life and it’s not the end of the world.

It’s fair to say the last 6 months have been pretty turbulent and things are only just settling down. I’m past the stage of taking it one day at a time now and looking back, I can see how far I’ve come. I’ve come back out from under my shell to be the person I used to be. My confidence is back. Now, I want to go do stuff. I want to go away for the weekend on my own (no easy feat for someone who’s used to travelling everywhere with a partner). I want to fly by myself and I want to be somewhere where I have to rely on just myself. I want to start dancing again, I want to take swimming lessons so I won’t freak out going out of my depth in the sea. Which is the real reason for this blog really. I want to be able to look back on old posts and see how far I’ve come.

I’m not a crazy motivational type of person, not at all. But I’m feeling pretty damned good right now. And it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the fact that I have a long lunch tomorrow with a beautiful old friend and her ridiculously attractive mate.