Beware of the Bull


The horns are out!

I’ve been on something of a rampage today. I don’t know if its my hormones or whatever, but I’m the definition of the a bull being enraged by a red flag. Horns out, hooves stomping, steam billowing from the nostrils – the whole shebang.

First of all, those tickets I’d bought to see The Maccabees? 99% sure I’ve been scammed. I’ve secured tickets elsewhere but that is not the point. I don’t understand scammers, I put my trust in people far too easily. Lesson learned. Very rude message left for the arse-wiping con-man. Karma is a bitch, he’ll get his.

Second, I’d spent most of my day at work being unproductive through no fault of my own. Stupid computers meant I’d spent my morning sat around doing sweet F.A which would have been fine if I didn’t actually have work to do.

Yes, I turned it on and off again, dammit!!

Third, I’ve decided to cool off on Mr Music. I can’t say why – nothing specific has happened. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m in that strange phase in my cycle where I turn into something of a nympho and Mr Music is just being far too slow. I change my mind like the wind and right now, I can’t be bothered trying to ‘out-aqua’ an Aquarius. He still gives me butterflies and I still feel like a heady teenager, but its just too much effort right now. Maybe it’s too soon to make that move with him anyway, given that I actually ‘like’ him, as in he’s, relationship material.  If he’s a true Aquarius he’ll be super logical and probably coming to the same conclusion that I need to fully get my ex out of my system (not that I’ve even given him so much as a second thought for a while now). I’m so changeable that even if Mr Music does invite me out for his birthday, I’ll probably shelve my seduction plan because of how I feel right now. Probably. Don’t quote me on that.

Hmm.

Maybe I should do what everyone keeps telling me to do and get me an FWB or sleep with a load of unsuitable men. God knows its been long enough. Should I take up my fellow Taurean friend’s offer? He’s definitely not backwards in coming forward and I’ll admit, it’s nice to be pursued in such a persistent manner. Unless he goes psycho-stalker, which is not cool.

I need to do something. Going from having sex on tap to nothing is just crap, and on my astrology learning path, one thing I keep reading is that the last thing anyone should do is deny a Taurus a romp in the hay. Too bloody right. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so all over the place. Maybe I just need a good seeing to and then I’ll go back to being the peaceful, tender, sensual being us Bull Girls are famous for being.

The Laws of Attraction…

I had a very interesting thought today after reading a fellow blogger’s post. Someone had asked for an opinion on how a guy would know if a girl was still into him, and the reply she gave was very different to mine. Neither of us were right or wrong, but it did get me thinking about how on earth guys are really meant to know how we feel about them if we don’t communicate it with words.

Having looked online, the most common signs that a female is flirting with you are:

  • smiling
  • physical contact e.g. touching a guys arm while laughing at his joke
  • playing with hair/fidgeting with something
  • mimicking body movements
  • isolating herself

This, to me, is nothing new. It’s almost like a second nature to know certain ‘tells’ when someone likes you through a combination of personal experience and media influences. But what if you don’t behave in this way? Like, for instance, me.

It may be that my judgement is being clouded by the image of a sweet, demure girl twiddling her hair and throatily laughing at a guys crap jokes, but my style of flirting can be quite…well…confusing for a guy I think. I can be really quite sharp. My sense of humour is what you’d call caustic and even though I’ll smile when I’m giving you some acidic remarks, it wouldn’t surprise me if some guys had zero idea that I was flirting with them. I’ll always retort, usually sarcastically. I love a good battle of the minds. That, to me, is my biggest ‘tell’. If I’m giving you the time of day and we’re exchanging in a game of verbal tennis that would put Serena and Venus Williams to shame, you can almost guarantee I fancy the pants off you.

Not only am I quite insulting, but my version of bodily contact is more likely to be in the form of me swatting your arm, upside the head or shoving into you than anything else. A bit like a little boy would tug on a little girls hair if he fancied her. Clearly, I’m a wee bit strange. I don’t isolate myself either. If a guy is going to make a move on me, he’d better be comfortable approaching me no matter what group I’m with. Doesn’t mean we have to stand in the middle of my friends while we talk, but don’t expect me to sidle off the corner of the room like a damsel in distress. If we’re talking one to one and we’re in a loud place, chances are, I wont even be looking at you. I’ll have my ear as close to your mouth as possible while I’m looking in the other direction. Why? Because personally, I like to use as many of my senses as possible. I want to hear your voice, I want to feel your breath. I’m not bothered about staring intently as your plump lips open for you to say something brilliant.

I’ll accept the smiling and fidgety behaviour, I think that’s fairly normal. Who talks to someone without smiling if they’re attracted to them? And who would sit stock still chatting to someone? It’s pretty rare. But it still doesn’t detract from the fact that even though you can display the tell-tale signs, you can so easily confuse a guy if your style of flirting is a little off, like mine. Unless you find someone who flirts back in the same way, and that’s where the fun is, for me anyway. We’re all human and to some extent we will all use the same body language when placed in a certain situation, but my advice to any guys out there…just make a move. Trust your gut. What’s the worst that could happen?

I have arrived!

Phew. It’s only taken a couple of hours, but I’ve finally moved my blog to its new home. Now, quick introductions for anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across my blog (odds are low, the whole world seems to be blogging now): I’m 28, from London, good job, nice family, friends etc etc etc. In other words, fairly normal. Though I do like to talk. A lot. I’ve always been pretty crap at keeping diaries as I only ever tended to write in them when things were dire, but I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to write even when I feel good to remind myself that, as shit as things can get, they usually balance themselves out.

Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. After feeling perfectly fine for a good while now, I ended up having a huge argument with the F-wit ex. It’s amazing that he still manages to wind me up like this, but it’s another lesson learned. They say love is blind and it’s really true. Having put up with so much for so long, I can now look back and know that I won’t EVER put myself in that situation again. After a decade long relationship, I’ve come to realise the following:

  1. When it’s over, it’s over. Do not go back. Do not beg to be taken back. It ended for a reason (although I did clench my fists when people said this to me, it’s indeed very true).
  2. Your friends are your lifeline. I don’t have many, I prefer close friends to many acquaintances, but bloody hell, did they prop me up. I went from being certain I’d made the right decision, to going off the rails, to becoming an angry snivelling wreck and now I’m back to being my usual self. They’re diamonds – all of them.
  3. Now matter how amicable the split, being friends rarely works. After 10 years I couldn’t imagine my ex not being in my life. I still loved him, I just couldn’t be with him. But I can’t know what he gets up to now and I don’t want to, since the very reasons I left – the overuse of alcohol and recreational drugs, coming second to absolutely everything – hasn’t changed. Moreover, I don’t want to know when he’s seeing someone else.
  4. Sort out the nitty gritty stuff. I lived with my ex and when he stayed on in the flat, I left some of the bills in my name. Yes, I know, very stupid. But since he was only going to be there for a couple more months, what was the point. I was the one who left, I didn’t want to cause him more stress and all he had to to was pay them and direct debits are easy enough to set up right? Wrong. Never, ever, let someone have control over your finances. While he didn’t have my bank card or my purse, his failure to pay the bills has come back squarely on me. And now I have to find another few hundred pounds to pay this shit off (hence the argument today). No matter how much you love someone, when you leave – LEAVE. They can fend for themselves (in most cases). We all have to, it’s life.
  5. I’m pretty bloody fabulous. I’m not big headed – far from it. But I’ve come to realise I can actually do whatever I want. Yes my ex loved me but after such a long time, that spark had gone. The appreciation for the day to day things had long worn off and I’d walked around feeling…well…a bit like I wasn’t fulfilling my life. And, OK, so I’m living with my parents again (the shame) and my heart was broken, but I’m a great person. I have a decent life and it’s not the end of the world.

It’s fair to say the last 6 months have been pretty turbulent and things are only just settling down. I’m past the stage of taking it one day at a time now and looking back, I can see how far I’ve come. I’ve come back out from under my shell to be the person I used to be. My confidence is back. Now, I want to go do stuff. I want to go away for the weekend on my own (no easy feat for someone who’s used to travelling everywhere with a partner). I want to fly by myself and I want to be somewhere where I have to rely on just myself. I want to start dancing again, I want to take swimming lessons so I won’t freak out going out of my depth in the sea. Which is the real reason for this blog really. I want to be able to look back on old posts and see how far I’ve come.

I’m not a crazy motivational type of person, not at all. But I’m feeling pretty damned good right now. And it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the fact that I have a long lunch tomorrow with a beautiful old friend and her ridiculously attractive mate.