If you snooze you lose

So Mr Soldier texted me again about an hour ago.

‘Your lips are looking too hot.’

He was referring to a picture I’d put on Facebook from my night out yesterday, my lips streaked with deep red lipstick. I replied back with ‘thanks’ and when he texted back and asked if he could kiss them again, he got a ‘nope’ in response. I mean. Really? Anyway, this went back and forth for a few minutes, him saying what he missed about me and me saying ‘I’m off the market’. Then he said:

‘It’s been over a year now.’

Well, yes. It almost has, kinda. So why keep harping on about it? The sex was good, but really? It can’t be that hard to go get laid somewhere else. I replied back and said yep, a lot can change in a year and he said he wished things hadn’t changed. I reminded him that he was the one to flake on our arrangement, and now it’s too bad. If you snooze, you lose. That’s the way of the world. You can’t just pick someone up and put them down whenever you feel like it and expect them to hang around. Besides, I’m so not interested. Wouldn’t go back there if you paid me. That’s the last time I dally with a friend’s brother!

Bloody men.

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Can friends with benefits ever really work?

After a mental, busy week, I’ve had some downtime this weekend. I watched two films pretty much back to back – both with the same theme. ‘No Strings Attached’ with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, and ‘Friends With Benefits’ starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.

Friends with Benefits was much better than No Strings Attached, but the premise was the same. Two friends decide to embark on a relationship where they use each other purely for sex. No emotion, no demands, just fun between the sheets. The only variation was that in No Strings Attached it was Natalie Portman’s character who was ’emotionally unavailable’ whereas in Friends with Benefits, it was the more traditional portrayal of the guy (Justin Timberlake) being the commitment-phobe. Of course, the inevitable happened. Something happened to make one of the ‘couple’ want more, a fall-out ensued and then they both realised they were the loves of each others lives. Yada, yada, yada – so far, so Hollywood. But it did get me thinking. Can a Friend with Benefits situation ever really work?

Call it what you want. FWB’s, fuck buddies, throw downs, booty call – the rules are the same. It’s purely about the physical. This, for me, is where it all falls down. I dipped my toe in the friend with bens water earlier this year but, thankfully, it died a death before it could ever get started. And, I say thankfully because I’m not sure I’d be able to sustain it for a proper length of time.

The Good…

It’s a cliche that girls can’t separate emotion from sex, but actually, it works in reverse too. Anyone can have a one night stand or have sex and not allow themselves to really feel emotions for the person they’re sleeping with, but I think it only works in the short term. Think about it, in a normal relationship, the first few weeks or months are fun. You’re getting to know each other (I only mean in the physical sense here), what you both like/dislike, the sex is phenomonal (if it’s not then you might as well give up now). This is par for the course. Both NSA and FWB (I can’t be bothered to write the film titles out every time) portrayed this well with a lengthy montage showing both couples getting it on in every which way and place possible.

The Bad…

But, in a normal relationship, once the initial buzz wears off, things change. Emotions begin to play a part in what you’re doing. Instead of banging like rabbits all the time, the slow, sensual times start to creep in. So why think it would be any different in a FWB situation? Again, both films showed this. There’d be a scene where there’s way too much eye gazing than is necessary for the ‘casual’ relationship, and they would actually ‘make love’ (ugh. I hate that phrase) instead of getting it on like porn stars. Oh, and there’d usually be a case of one watching the other sleep too. In a casual, no commitment scenario, this is bad, bad news.

Source: Marie Claire

The End…?

So you’ve woken up to see your no strings lover gazing at you. Or maybe you’ve realised their bouts of jealousy when you mentioned that you had a date the other night. Whatever it is, the boat has been rocked. That agreement you had to just have sex, with no emotion, no ties? Gone out the window. Hollywood would have us believe that you’ll both eventually realise you love each other to bits and then live happily ever after. But this isn’t Hollywood. It’s real life. It’s not a crime that one of you has realised you like the other more than you initially thought. That’s sex for you. In singular bouts, it’s not too bad but if you’re having regular naughty time with someone, of course you’re going to start thinking ‘what if’. After all, this person was your friend to start with so, by definition, you like each other. The problem is that we allow ourselves to believe the Hollywood hype. Sure, these people in Laa-Laa Land made it work and, yeah okay, they fell out at one point but, hey look – they’re a proper couple now. And we switch over the TV or close the book we’re reading and think that we can apply this to our own lives.

Get real. You can have one-off sex with a friend and not have your friendship ruined. You were both drunk, stoned, the world was about to end – whatever – but I honestly don’t believe you can have a sustained sexual relationship without someone getting hurt. We’re programmed to bond during sex – hormones are released, you feel close to the person you’re with and no matter how explicit your agreement was, one or the other is bound to at least toy with the idea of more in their head.

You know what I’d like? I’d like for there to be a film, or a book, which shows a much more realistic ending. One of the reasons I liked ‘The Break Up’ with Vince Vaughn and the queen of the romcom, Jennifer Aniston, is because there was no happy ending. After a very long term relationship, two people actually went their separate ways. There was no tear inducing reunion. So why can’t there be a film where two people start a no strings relationship, one of them plays their hand and everything goes south, resulting in a lost friendship. That to me is more realistic than a guy using flash mobs in grand central station to proclaim his love for his ex fuck buddy. And I am, as always, a realist.

The rules of no strings sex…

Since I decided to hook up with Mr Soldier, things have progressed a bit, though not in the way I’d originally thought. We were supposed to hook up today but it didn’t happen. I think we’re meant to meet tomorrow instead. The thing that’s making me think is that we’ve been text messaging all week. And I mean, all week.

It is slightly complicated, given that he’s a friend already that I’ve known for years and we used to speak quite often. So it would be weird to cut that general banter off now just because we’ve decided to sleep together, right? I am a naturally chatty person and I’m a natural flirt. The problem is that I seem to have met my match with Mr Soldier. He seems to have a comeback for everything I say and it leads to long bouts of text tennis, the kind that I only engage in when I actually like someone. He knows I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’ve made that as clear as cut glass, and he’s told me that his past FWB’s have dropped off because they wanted more than he was prepared to give, but still I’m stumped as to what the correct etiquette is.

Then there’s the question of what on earth to expect when we do hook up. I’m not the most sexually confident person in the world (though I am working on it) and I can be quite shy. The whole point of this is to unleash my inner sex goddess (ha!) but it means I’m going to have to really push past my mental barriers when we meet. The point isn’t to go round to his, stick the kettle on and have a chinwag before we get down and dirty. I’d love to be able to waltz in there and pounce straight away. Unlikely. It’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m a teenager again, wondering whether he’ll like my blowjobs or my boobs. Why am I thinking of this stuff? Realistically I know he probably wont care a jot, but I do.

I think the key to this ‘relationship’ is going to be for me to be selfish. I naturally give too much and end up feeling exposed, so this will be new for me. He’s someone that I know and trust, so that should help. Hopefully once the first time’s out of the way I’ll be less bothered about the small stuff.

Beware of the Bull


The horns are out!

I’ve been on something of a rampage today. I don’t know if its my hormones or whatever, but I’m the definition of the a bull being enraged by a red flag. Horns out, hooves stomping, steam billowing from the nostrils – the whole shebang.

First of all, those tickets I’d bought to see The Maccabees? 99% sure I’ve been scammed. I’ve secured tickets elsewhere but that is not the point. I don’t understand scammers, I put my trust in people far too easily. Lesson learned. Very rude message left for the arse-wiping con-man. Karma is a bitch, he’ll get his.

Second, I’d spent most of my day at work being unproductive through no fault of my own. Stupid computers meant I’d spent my morning sat around doing sweet F.A which would have been fine if I didn’t actually have work to do.

Yes, I turned it on and off again, dammit!!

Third, I’ve decided to cool off on Mr Music. I can’t say why – nothing specific has happened. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m in that strange phase in my cycle where I turn into something of a nympho and Mr Music is just being far too slow. I change my mind like the wind and right now, I can’t be bothered trying to ‘out-aqua’ an Aquarius. He still gives me butterflies and I still feel like a heady teenager, but its just too much effort right now. Maybe it’s too soon to make that move with him anyway, given that I actually ‘like’ him, as in he’s, relationship material.  If he’s a true Aquarius he’ll be super logical and probably coming to the same conclusion that I need to fully get my ex out of my system (not that I’ve even given him so much as a second thought for a while now). I’m so changeable that even if Mr Music does invite me out for his birthday, I’ll probably shelve my seduction plan because of how I feel right now. Probably. Don’t quote me on that.

Hmm.

Maybe I should do what everyone keeps telling me to do and get me an FWB or sleep with a load of unsuitable men. God knows its been long enough. Should I take up my fellow Taurean friend’s offer? He’s definitely not backwards in coming forward and I’ll admit, it’s nice to be pursued in such a persistent manner. Unless he goes psycho-stalker, which is not cool.

I need to do something. Going from having sex on tap to nothing is just crap, and on my astrology learning path, one thing I keep reading is that the last thing anyone should do is deny a Taurus a romp in the hay. Too bloody right. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so all over the place. Maybe I just need a good seeing to and then I’ll go back to being the peaceful, tender, sensual being us Bull Girls are famous for being.