Disappointment

Last night I went for a dinner party with my french language buddy. He’d arranged it so I could get used to being in environments with french people in a group instead of just one on one. I was nervous all week. When I meet people for the first time, I can be quite shy and he’d spoken about inviting around four of his friends.

As it was, he decided to only invite one. It was quite apparent why, since his flat was quite tiny, so with his friend and flatmate, it would have been cramped with yet more people. I have to say, it was a nice evening. His flatmate and friend were lovely, very chatty and so I didn’t feel shy. His work colleague and friend was ridiculously cute. I was even thinking how I could set him up with a friend, until he mentioned his girlfriend. Always the way.

So, the disappointment? I spoke maybe three sentences in french.

When they spoke, I could just about understand what they were saying. Not everything, but enough to get the gist of things and it was much harder listening to his flatmate who speaks  with a heavy accent as he’s from Guatemala. Its the first time I’ve been able to pick out the difference in accents. But when it came to me speaking, I reverted to english. It was mostly because I speak so slowly in french that it would ruin the flow of conversation but even while I was speaking, I was thinking to myself ‘speak french you bloomin fool!’. So, I feel a bit deflated. I wanted some practice.  I love conversing in french but I need to build my confidence, especially if I’m going to meet The Frenchman’s friends, some of whom speak zero english. I don’t know why I stop myself. My tutor at work assures me that whilst I don’t always use the correct words or tenses, I’m perfectly understandable. I dunno. I kinda wish I could go back to last night and make more of a concerted effort.

Massive, enormous sigh.

The Nice Guy vs The Bad Boy

My last post got me thinking about this, but I think it merits a post all of its own. We’ve all heard of the saying ‘nice guys finish last’ and when they’re up against the toxic bad boys, they generally do. Call them what you want, dickheads, arseholes, fuckwits, players – they have women salivating over them. I myself am probably a bit guilty of this. So why do we do it? And what about poor old Mr Nice Guy?

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The fact is, a bad boy is exciting. He leaves you breathless. You never know where you stand, where you’re going or when you’ll get there. He’ll charm the pants off you and even while this is happening, you’ll know he’s dangerous from the start. I’ve come across a few, the most recent being a few weeks ago. This guy was gorgeous. Blonde haired, tanned and he had more than the normal twinkle in his eye. His opening line to me when he came over to where I was chatting with his friend was ‘and who are you?’. He gave me a good coat of looking at (as a friend of mine says) and I replied ‘you’re a cocky c*nt aren’t you?’. He grinned back but he didn’t deny it. I could smell his toxicity a mile off, but I still found myself thinking ‘what if?’.

Bad boys will lay the banter on thick and fast. They’ll maintain eye contact with you in a way that makes it clear they’re undressing you in their head. They’re the kind of guy who’d have your clothes off in the cab on the way home, give you the best sex of your life and disappear way before the sun comes up.

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The nice guy on the other hand is sweet, caring, considerate but predictable. He wants the 2.4 kids, he wants the Volvo and comfy slippers. He’s the guy that will wine and dine you, open car doors for you and give you a polite peck on the cheek on a first date. He oozes stability and therein lies the problem. We love a challenge. No matter how many times we see it in films, read it in books or hear our mates crying over the latest fuckwit, we all think we can tame the beast. The guy you met at the club told you point blank, he doesn’t do relationships. Doesn’t want them, but if you ever want to hook up, he’s yours. I can guarantee you, 99.9% of women will be thinking, ‘I can change that.’

Sigh. We never learn. We want the bad boy, but we don’t want him to be as bad once we’ve got him. Once he’s ours, we want him to fall in line. Confusing, I know, but there is no reason for a nice guy not to be able to dip his to into the bad boy waters, and if they do, it’s win/win all round. Why do you think every woman in the world has gone crazy for Christian ‘Fifty Shades’ Grey?

Confidence
This is the first thing a girl will pick up on with the bad boy. He’ll strut into the bar like he owns the place. He probably won’t have made much of an effort with his clothes and will probably look like he’s just shagged someone in the bush round the corner, which could well be true. He won’t make puppy dog eyes at a girl from across the room, he’ll give her the ‘fuck me’ eyes instead. He’s confident and arrogant enough not to put the woman on a pedestal – she’ll either shag him or she won’t, and if she won’t, there’s no drama. He’s got any number of girls he can call on if he needs to.

Confidence. It. Is. Key. I cannot stress this enough. All Mr Nice Guy has to do is imitate. People will notice you if you go around thinking you’re the dogs bollocks. The key bit is to know when confident becomes arrogant and make sure you don’t cross that line. If you want to pull the hottie, make it clear. You’re fit, she’ll go for you. Job done.

Masculinity
This goes hand in hand with confidence I think, but so many guys seem to have lost the art of masculinity these days. This has nothing to do with style. You can be the guy who rocks eyeliner and skinny jeans with a neon pink t-shirt and still have an air of masculinity about you.

Women want a man to be a man. A protector, a provider (to some extent). If you’re the kind of guy who uses cleanser, toner, moisturiser and buffer then for gods sake don’t tell her. Don’t tell her that you get emotional watching Eastenders either. We love guys who take care of themselves or can show their emotions but to be made aware of these types of things early on is a turn off. Avoid.

Mystery

This is the draw. Master this and you’re pretty much done. Women like to know what their man is thinking, even if it’s something totally stupid. With a bad boy, you just never know, aside from when he’s blatantly eyeing up his current conquest that is. He is emotionally unavailable and practically impenetrable. He won’t tell her what his plans are for the weekend, probably because it involves sleeping with other women. The point is that a woman will have no idea what he thinks or feels about her. The thing with the bad boy is, this is not an act. He’s got his own life to live. Playing football, paintballing, drinking, working – she doesn’t need to feature in his plans unless he’s got the horn, which is when she’ll hear from him again.

It goes without saying that if you’re actually trying to woo a lady rather than just sleep with her, you shouldn’t go to this extreme. What you need to do, is keep your cards close to your chest. Don’t tell her your whole life story straight away. Ask about hers instead. It’ll make you seem more interested in us (brownie points) and the next day we’ll be thinking ‘actually, I don’t know what he thinks about XYZ’ and have us coming back for more. As tempting as it is to drop everything to be on demand for your woman, don’t do it. Even if we say we want you to, because it’s a trap. We want a man to pursue his own interests. Don’t be a leech. I can’t stress how un-sexy it is.

Control
Finally, control. With a bad boy, the woman is never in control. Ever. Even if she thinks she is, she’s not. It’s always on his terms. It’s plain selfish, so you don’t want to push it this far, but seriously, grow some balls and control your woman. If she’s the type of girl who gets emotional because you’re off to the pub for a pint while you watch the game, go anyway. Let her have a hissy fit and tell her to grow up. Most women love to be dominated in some way or another and when you’re having a tantrum and your man point blank tells you to sort yourself out, he’s asserting control, and that is sexy. When it comes to sex, yes we like romance, we like to be stroked and kissed, but not all the time. Order her about, get all assertive with her. Bad boys do this like no other, because they don’t care. They want an easy life, they have no time for drama and they want good sex. The trick is not to seem like you really don’t give a hoot. She’s special to you, but sometimes she needs to be kept in line. And please don’t worry about coming across as a chauvinistic womaniser. We women employ tactics too, you’re not alone. A fellow blogger, Tripp, has done a pretty sterling job with some advice here: http://trippadvice.com/5-tips-to-avoid-being-the-nice-guy/

Bad boys are toxic. They’re ultimately not what we want long term. What we want is a mixture of the two. Having said that, I do think every girl needs to have a dalliance with a bad boy at least once. It’s a kind of badge of honour, and, it makes you realise what you should and shouldn’t put up with in a relationship.

Like moths to a flame…

Isn’t it funny how sometimes, you just seem to attract men? I can’t say I’ve done anything different with my appearance lately. I haven’t even made that much of an effort with my clothes. Same jeans, same Converse, same work clothes. But for some reason, I seem to be amassing a number of admirers. Am I complaining? Hell no. It’s just a little baffling, that’s all.

Maybe, as my ex said to me yesterday, it’s my confidence. I’ve noticed myself that some guys, even if they’re not attractive in the slightest, will exude a confidence so strong that you have to sit up and take notice. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe I’ve got that cheeky glint in my eye. Today saw another unsuspecting male make an advance, and quite a direct one at that. I’ll add him to my little black book.

Whatever it is that’s making me seem more attractive, I’m going to revel in it. These things don’t last very long. It’s a shame I can’t bottle it up and save it for a rainy day. As my mate said to me the other day, since I have admirers, it’ll be my own fault if I don’t get laid. The question is whether I can juggle them effectively until I decide which one’s services to enlist.