Waiting and Depressed Cats

I spoke to The Frenchman this morning. It looks like he wont be able to come to London before the end of the year after all. He said he wanted to, but he doesn’t have a weekend free. I’m trying not to be too disappointed – I know how hard it can be to find time in December. He said he wants to come in early-mid January for a weekend of 4-5 days, work permitting. He also said he’s excited to see me in ten days time, when we can talk about my extended trip which is good because I’ll need to give notice of my leave at work. From what he said last time, he’s going skiing for a week in early February (I think) so I’d most likely go towards the end of February or early March.

It’s great that we’re still planning this. As every woman who’s in the early stages of dating knows, talking about stuff ‘in the future’ is always a good sign. I’m just not looking forward to a 4-6 week gap over the holidays. It’s not so much about being ‘single’ over the festive season, to be honest that’s never really bothered me. Granted, I’ve been in a relationship for lots of christmasses, but I’m not the kind of girl who craves being in a loved ones arms over this period of time. And given that we’re in different countries, I’m not sure it would make much difference anyway! It’s just a long time to wait.

I’ve always been a bit of a…I’m not sure what the term is. Not a pessimist. Hmm. OK, I’ll try and explain. When I fly somewhere, I’m always convinced that it’ll be my plan that falls out of the sky. If I’m on holiday, driving up a mountain on tiny roads, I’ll be convinced that the car will topple over the side. If I’m on a boat…you get my drift. It’s really weird, but that’s how I am. I’m one of those whose trying my best to ignore all this 2012 doomsday Mayan calendar stuff, which is a lot easier now than when I was with my ex, who positively LOVED that stuff, and frequently said he couldn’t wait for some kind of apocalypse to happen (yes, he was weird). So it’s in my nature to worry about things, the fact that 1 in 3 people are affected by cancer, or panicking when I don’t hear from someone for a while incase they’ve been run over or something. I’m a cheery person really. I’m just a worrier. And for the last few weeks, this has been really heightened.

It sounds so twattish to say it, but I feel like I’ve become more aware of my own mortality. I don’t mean I’m going around worried about dying, just that how precious time is. I’ve never liked waiting for anything anyway but lately I’ve been thinking, time is going by so quickly and HE’S over THERE. What if I die, or he dies, between now and our next meeting. It’s an awful thing to think and I try really hard to shove it out of my head, but it does sneak back in quite often. What does this mean? Other than I’m a total fruitloop, that is.

In happier (kind of) news, he told me that his cat was ‘not right’ last week. He apparently didn’t see him in the evenings after work as he’d be hiding under the bed or sofa. He thinks his cat was depressed after I went back to London. Which made me go ‘awwww’. You know what they say, win over the cat, bag the man.

Actually, I just made that up but you get the drift.

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Testing My Patience

Well, I have no substantial update following my last post. Mr Grey and I have spoken briefly – and I mean briefly – but not about his tattoo. We were supposed to meet on Sunday and then I gave him the option to rearrange. Why? Because if he’s that tetchy and stressed then I need to time my interrogation well. Which means I’ve gone a whole week without questioning him.

I know to some this isn’t a long time, but for me, it’s major. Everything about me is immediate. I hate waiting. I also hate not being in control of my emotions. I am a massive control freak and going from ‘I’m going to dump him’ to ‘I’m going to slap him’ to ‘I need to talk to him now’ to ‘I’ll give him his space til he’s calmed the fuck down’ has been trying to say the least. That said, I feel immensely proud of myself for not contacting him over the weekend until he contacted me.

I’m being far too considerate of his feelings. He doesn’t know I’ve been in this turmoil for the past week but you can bet your bottom dollar when I do actually speak to him, he bloody will do. I’ve cancelled our maybe date later this week too because I just can’t handle meeting up with him when I’m feeling like this if his mind won’t be there.

And so I have one last test of my patience. Wait until next week when I promise myself that come what may, I’ll be meeting and questioning the daylights out of him. The fact I’m willing to do this speaks volumes to anyone who knows me about how I feel, because this is definitely not normal Freechick behaviour.

If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll recognise this.

In A Serious State Of Confusion!

OK, I need some advice. I know I have a penchant to always assume the worst, but even the ever optimisitic Miss Sunshine has been stumped by this one.

So, as you know, I’ve been sunning it up (and I use that term loosely) in Ibiza with Miss Yoyo and Miss Sunshine over the last week. It was a nice holiday, but it’s been somewhat overshadowed by a text I got from Mr Grey. He had his second sitting for his half sleeve tattoo, and he sent me a picture of it. It wasn’t until I got back to the hotel that night that I looked at it properly, and noticed some roman numerals. When I looked at the date, I realised its significance. It’s the date he got married.

Now, he separated from his wife two years ago in bad circumstances. So I can’t understand why he’d want to have the date of his wedding etched forever more onto his skin. Add to that the fact that when I asked what it was, I got swatted away like a fly and I am thoroughly confused. Since then, I’ve barely eaten – all I feel is sick. Am I being used as a distraction for him? Is he still pining for her? Is the fact they’re only separated and not divorced really because of money, or is it something else? They have a LOT of contact and while I know they have to because they have kids, I’m now wondering if having kids might be an excuse for him to have contact. Is it just a map of significant things that have happened in his life? And if so, how am I meant to feel about that? It doesn’t help that he almost rammed the fact that his vasectomy was 100% final down my throat either.

Should I be worried?

I plan to ask these things when I see him, which isn’t for another 4 days. For someone as impatient as me, this is absolute torture and I can’t promise that I’ll hold out until then. I’m not an unreasonable person, but this has thrown me into a state of confusion over where I stand. It’s making me initiate a conversation I didn’t think we needed to have yet. The ‘what is this relationship about’ conversation. I was happy to just go with the flow before, we were getting on well enough and he was the one leading on everything, but now I’m not sure whether I’m coming or going. I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused about anything before. Ever.

I can’t even think about my holiday – this has just overshadowed it for me, and that is not a good thing. Though I did have fun.

I don’t know what to do.

😦

You’re on your final warning

Ok I’m not a happy bunny today. I was supposed to be meeting with Mr Double-Barrel after nearly 2 weeks since I saw him last. This morning I got a message cancelling due to work commitments. I’m not in the business of being cancelled on twice and I told him so (with a bit of sugar coating). He apologised and said he’d been really looking forward to seeing me blah, blah, blah. But I thought, fair enough. Life gets in the way and we all need money to survive, so I said fine, but don’t keep me waiting another two weeks, to which he replied he wouldn’t.

One of the things I was going to talk to him about when we met up was this festival abroad. I’d spoken to him last week and said I was up for going. The response I got was positive and that they were trying to book flights and accommodation as quickly as possible. All was well, I thought, so I booked my ticket, not wanting to miss out if they sold out by leaving it too long. Knowing that we wouldn’t now meet until some yet to be determined date, I asked him if he was definitely going. The reply? Yes. He’s booked his flights with his mate and his missus, as well as one of his friends who also happens to be an ex. From what I gather they’re still pretty friendly. I left it a good while before replying with a nonchalant but pissed off ‘right. Ok’

If it were me, I’d have thought, I should let Freechick know because she wants to come. Now I know that men and women think differently but come on. To give him his due, he doesn’t know I’ve booked my ticket yet as I was waiting to see if it was worth my while to go, but even still, booking flights would’ve prompted me to ask if I were still interested in going.

I don’t like to be kept waiting, trifled with or played. There’s only so much sweet talking that’s going to win me over. Of course there’s the possibility that it’s really not how it all sounds etc but I don’t suffer fools gladly. He’s on the end of a plank and he’s in severe danger of being pushed off. If he’s not interested in anything other than a bunk up I’d rather he just tell me so I don’t end up wasting my time.

From here on out I’m not contacting him. It feels like I’m the one making all the effort and at this stage it should very much be a mutual thing, so he can contact me.

He’d better tread carefully.

Beware of the Bull


The horns are out!

I’ve been on something of a rampage today. I don’t know if its my hormones or whatever, but I’m the definition of the a bull being enraged by a red flag. Horns out, hooves stomping, steam billowing from the nostrils – the whole shebang.

First of all, those tickets I’d bought to see The Maccabees? 99% sure I’ve been scammed. I’ve secured tickets elsewhere but that is not the point. I don’t understand scammers, I put my trust in people far too easily. Lesson learned. Very rude message left for the arse-wiping con-man. Karma is a bitch, he’ll get his.

Second, I’d spent most of my day at work being unproductive through no fault of my own. Stupid computers meant I’d spent my morning sat around doing sweet F.A which would have been fine if I didn’t actually have work to do.

Yes, I turned it on and off again, dammit!!

Third, I’ve decided to cool off on Mr Music. I can’t say why – nothing specific has happened. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m in that strange phase in my cycle where I turn into something of a nympho and Mr Music is just being far too slow. I change my mind like the wind and right now, I can’t be bothered trying to ‘out-aqua’ an Aquarius. He still gives me butterflies and I still feel like a heady teenager, but its just too much effort right now. Maybe it’s too soon to make that move with him anyway, given that I actually ‘like’ him, as in he’s, relationship material.  If he’s a true Aquarius he’ll be super logical and probably coming to the same conclusion that I need to fully get my ex out of my system (not that I’ve even given him so much as a second thought for a while now). I’m so changeable that even if Mr Music does invite me out for his birthday, I’ll probably shelve my seduction plan because of how I feel right now. Probably. Don’t quote me on that.

Hmm.

Maybe I should do what everyone keeps telling me to do and get me an FWB or sleep with a load of unsuitable men. God knows its been long enough. Should I take up my fellow Taurean friend’s offer? He’s definitely not backwards in coming forward and I’ll admit, it’s nice to be pursued in such a persistent manner. Unless he goes psycho-stalker, which is not cool.

I need to do something. Going from having sex on tap to nothing is just crap, and on my astrology learning path, one thing I keep reading is that the last thing anyone should do is deny a Taurus a romp in the hay. Too bloody right. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so all over the place. Maybe I just need a good seeing to and then I’ll go back to being the peaceful, tender, sensual being us Bull Girls are famous for being.

I want it NOW!

I have a horrible, horrible personality trait. It’s called impatience. Anyone who knows me knows this. If I want something I want it like yesterday. When I wanted my last tattoo, I drew it and got it done the next day. When I wanted my lip re-pierced, I had it done within 24 hours (I’d have done it on the same day but I was a bit tipsy). Being impulsive is in my blood.

They say patience is a virtue and if that’s the case then I’m definitely one virtue down. If I decide to do something, I do it, and if I don’t get the opportunity to do it within a few days, I’ll drop the idea until my next round of impulsiveness. Right now, my three ‘wants’ are:

  1. My holiday. After spending yesterday looking at flights and stuff for a week in Ibiza, I want to book it like, NOW. I don’t want to have to wait another couple of weeks until payday because…well, because I don’t want to. I want to get the flights booked so I know that my first girls holiday (shocking at the age of almost 28) is definitely happening. That and I want to book tickets to see David Guetta at Pacha.
  2. I want the guy I bought tickets off to see The Maccabees next week to hurry up and send them because I don’t want to have been ripped off.
  3. I want Mr Music to arrange his bloody birthday drinks already, I don’t want to have to wait much longer because a – I’m beginning to think I maybe imagined what happened last weekend and b – I’m bloody horny.

It’s not a good thing to be so impatient all the time, I know. I generally hate waiting around for other people because I tend to do things straight away and I find it hard to comprehend the way other people can be so aloof about stuff. I don’t get why some people are sooo slow. Like, why does it take five minutes to get money out the cash machine? You put your card in, enter your PIN, select the amount, grab the money and go. Yesterday the woman in front me was standing there for ages. Was she mentally calculating how much she’d spent over the last few days, because there’s a mini-statement option that will calculate that for you. Grrr.

Having said that, my impatience can be a bloody great thing too. I go after what I want and I bloody well get it, I don’t wait for it to be handed to me, which I think is a valuable life lesson.

If only all these things could just hurry up and arrive…

🙂