And, I’ve snapped

I put a vague status update on Baitbook about delusion not being cool and since I’d forgotten to change the audience setting, guess who liked it? Yep, Mr Clingy. I then got an IM from him (making the term ‘instant messaging’ very appropriate) asking if I was OK and was I having trouble with my ex. To which I replied ‘No.’ That then got a ‘sorry, it’s none of my business’ reply from him and all he got was radio silence. What did he expect me to do? Give him the same run down I gave to you lovely people? Erm, no. I don’t know why he thinks we’re BFF’s or whatever, but it’s very annoying. I’ve now changed my audience settings and set my chat status to always show as being offline to him.

So bloody annoying.

Advertisements

Delusion and moving on

I just had a hilarious telephone conversation with the girlfriend of my Ex’s best friend. Apparently he went round there and told them that  I’d texted him to go for a drink but he said no because he was convinced I wanted him back. Don’t make me laugh. I had texted in the early summer and asked if he wanted to go for a drink after our conversation, purely because I thought even though we weren’t together any more, we had spent almost ten years together and still evidently cared for each other. We didn’t meet up but it was no skin off my nose. So he’s told them he thinks I want to get back together with him and that I must still be miserable having made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving him. Oh and he was bitching because I went to Ibiza after having said I’d never go there, ever, and why couldn’t I have done that with him?

I had to laugh. Getting back with him has to be the very last thing on my mind and I don’t know where he’s getting the impression that I’m miserable. When I do see him, I’m always bouncy and happy, and that’s not fake. I am genuinely loving my life and having him in it as a friend, or not, makes no difference to me. I went to Ibiza without him because if I’d have gone with him, he’d have spent 90% of the time high. And as for me making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving, considering he’s still in exactly the same place as he was a year, two years, three years ago, I’d say it was the best thing I’ve ever done. When I look at what I’ve done this year – the nights out, my trips to Ireland, Ibiza and Toulouse, even taking my first flight alone – I feel proud. I’m actually living my life instead of watching it pass me by, whereas he is still wasting his weekends away with a cocktail of drugs. The fact that he’s still doing this, coupled with the fact he thinks I’m the one who made the mistake, tells me he’s learned nothing. Zero. Zilch. I can imagine he’s done nothing more exciting than try meth for the first time.

He has, at least, moved on. When I blogged about his ketamine and meth usage earlier in the year, I mentioned that he’d been sleeping with his drug buddy’s sister. It now seems they’re actually a couple. She does cocaine too, which is obviously not a good thing, but I’m happy for him. It makes no bearing on my life to know this and I do still care about his happiness after all. I will admit to being a bit miffed when she told me he apparently said he wanted to marry and have kids with her though. Not out of jealousy, but because I thought ‘why not me?’. Obviously, getting married and having kids with him would have been a colossal mistake, but I put in so much bloody effort with him. Ten years of battling the ignorance, underlying racism and non-acceptance from some of his family, putting up with his drug use, running errands like a bitch and being a good little housewife, and after a few months with his new chick, he’s actually thinking of settling down. It made me feel second best until I realised that it’s probably because it’s so much easier for him. His Kosovan family will love her white-ness and because she uses drugs too, she’s always going to be on his wavelength and understand the chase and the buzz of getting off her face. And if that is the  case then good luck to him, I guess.

The fact is, I know now that I deserve so, so much more than what I got. I deserve someone who will put me first, instead of being domineering and chauvinistic. I deserve someone who’d do anything for me, the same way I would for them. And I want a guy who isn’t an habitual drug taker. I’m not the same girl. To put it in Gotye’s words, I’m just somebody that he used to know.

After all the heartache, ups and downs and questioning if I made the right move by leaving, I’ve moved on. I’m happy, which is just about all I could ask for right now. I’m enjoying my life and learning from my mistakes all the time. And I can honestly say that leaving him wasn’t one of them. If anything, my mistake was staying in the relationship and trying to make it work for so long. If he ever comes out of his drugged up haze and off his know-it-all high horse, he’ll realise that.

As someone once said, ‘I’m not the girl that got away. I’m the girl you failed to keep.’

**STALKER ALERT**

Maybe slightly extreme. Ok. Remember Mr Clingy? My rebound from last year? Well, he found me on Facebook again thanks to our mutual friends and we had a brief conversation over Facebook messenger. I admit to feeling a bit bad for how I chucked him last year so I took the opportunity to apologise, and basically said I just couldn’t deal with all that intensity. He apologised too and said he didn’t actually want to break up, he just went about it the wrong way by issuing an ultimatum between him and my ex. Which, when the object of your affection is a – rebounding and b – wanting to get back with their ex, is a bad idea. Anywho, we said we’d call it quits – all was well.

Then again, maybe not.

Now that we’re Baitbook friends again, he’s taken to commenting on practically everything I post, in record time, too. Am I on his close friends list or something? It got to the stage where I’ve now added him to my acquaintances list, so I can control what he sees. And before you ask, no, I can’t delete him. I feel really bad deleting anyone from Facebook. I’m a sensitive soul. Since moving him to this list, it’s been good, because my notifications haven’t been blowing up with ‘Mr Clingy commented on this’ or ‘Mr Clingy likes a photo you posted ten fricking years ago’. I told Miss Comeback and Miss Sunshine about it but I don’t think they actually believed me until he liked and commented on a picture Miss Sunshine tagged me in, literally seconds after it was posted. And it was the same last night, when I forgot to change my sharing options on an update – as soon as I posted it, he commented. I actually asked him if he had me on a close friends list because, doesn’t he have anything better to do?

The thing is, we split up A YEAR AGO. We dated for like, two months. I know I’m irresistible but really? (joke). I have no issues with him as a person, he’s a decent guy, but it’s getting to the stage where I want to scream at him to eff the back up and stop smothering me. He knows about Mr Marseilles since he liked my Toulouse pictures and asked why I was there. I might have embellished the truth a bit and said that I was actually in a relationship, but it’s not stopped him. Every other day I’m getting a ‘how are you? x’ message and he’s taken to trying to moan about his problems at me, which he used to do when we were together.

I’m trying to be as nonchalant as I can with him because, if it were me, I’d be thinking ‘wow, Freechick doesn’t want to seem to talk to me AT ALL. Maybe I should just stop torturing myself’ but it doesn’t seem to working. What a palaver.

Breaking Up is Hard To Do

As I’ve mentioned before, The Break Up is a favourite film of mine. I love the fact that it doesn’t have a typical fairy tale ending. I’d recorded it on Sky+ and watched it again tonight. It’s the first time I’ve watched it since splitting with my ex and it brought back a lot of memories. Standing in an empty flat, without all the furniture, trinkets and memories that you’d built together for years around you is a hard thing to do. When I left, I didn’t realise how painful it would be.

When break ups happen, it’s almost universally expected that the dumpee comes off worse than the dumper, but I’m not convinced that’s true for all parts. For me, there was a period where I thought ‘fuck, what have I done? I’ve left the guy I’ve loved for 9.5 years, I’ve moved out of the flat we’d got together.’ Regret was an emotion I felt strongly for a good 2-3 months and regret is not a great feeling. It makes you feel unsure of yourself constantly. In fact, the scenario played out in The Break Up is very similar to my book, which when I read it back is almost as painful as it was to watch that film.

But, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Most break ups happen because something isn’t right in the relationship, and it’s usually a result of issues that have argued over and over, with no resolution. It might feel like the worlds ending, but it isn’t. There are plenty more chances to be happy and have the relationship you really want if you take the right lessons from it.

I’m a romantic. I’d love to truly believe there’s a soulmate for me out there, just one person who I was destined to be with. But I can be awfully pragmatic too, and with so many people in the world, there has to be more than one person you can find true happiness with. I’m not saying the relationship would be the same, or that you’d have to love that person with the same love as you did your ex. Love changes over time, I think. When you’re young (or it’s the first time you’ve fallen) its this exciting, wonderful thing. You believe you’d literally die without that person in your life, no matter what they might do to annoy you. Unconditional love.

But as you get older, and bruised by past relationships, that changes. If you’re smart enough to learn lessons from your past relationships, you start to realise what is and isn’t acceptable to you. With my ex, I loved him to bits. I’d put up with his long nights on coke and the consequent days after when he’d be feeling rough all weekend and we never did anything. I’d get out of bed at 4am to pick him up from his mates house when he was drunk and high, no question. I didn’t like it, but I did it because I loved him. I was even willing to overlook all that when I wanted him back. Because I loved him.

Now, that’s something I wouldn’t do, ever again. Not for anyone. The unconditional love I had for him will never be applied to anyone else because I know what I want out of a relationship and what I won’t tolerate.

So, my message is this. If you’re feeling regret, confused – whatever – because of a break up, think about why it happened. Think about why you left that person or why they left you and learn from it. And don’t be scared that you’ll never love someone the way you loved your ex or vice versa, because you won’t. Once you know that, there’s nothing to be afraid of because it means you’ll be giving and (hopefully) getting the love you actually want than settling for anything else.

x

Terminal 5 Syndrome a.k.a. Baggage

It’s been an interesting few days to say the least. However, this post is (for once) not centred around me. The guy Miss Sunshine has been dating (we’ll call him Mr Mac) for three months has been exhibiting some strange behaviour. Maybe him and Mr Grey are in sync in the same way girls sync their periods, but it’s provided for a lot of female dissection.

Now, I should say that Miss Sunshine is, well, ever the optimist. So for her to be worried means something must have been wrong. The crime? That age old thing of a guy going all weird. Being non-committal about when they’d meet again, no phone calls etc. And, he’d taken his stuff from her house in the form of DVD’s and the like. Weird, right? I told her there would likely be a good explanation – he’s busy with work or is unsure about the next step in their relationship (according to Mr Grey, Mr Mac was imminently going to raise ‘exclusivity’) and as for the DVD’s, maybe he just wanted to watch them himself. The overwhelming message behind my advice was ‘don’t worry’. Yes. I know. Hilarious that I can give this advice and yet I cannot take it myself. But my point was, this is a guy who has introduced you to his mother and best friend. Who wanted you to skype him while we were on holiday. No way has he had a drastic change of heart in the space of a week. Eventually, it turned out that he hadn’t been around because of work and family visiting, and he’d taken the DVD’s because he thought she wasn’t watching them. Simple enough, I hear you say. Things would’ve gone back to normal? Not quite.

It wasn’t until we were on holiday that I realised she’s not as carefree as she comes across (next to my control freakiness anyway). When she’d relay conversations she’d had with Mr Mac I’d wonder why she’d react the way she did. It became clear when she told Miss Yoyo and I about an ex, and how he’d hurt her. That’s when the penny dropped.

Baggage is unavoidable. We all have it to some degree, whether it’s from past relationships or our childhood, and none of us want it. It weighs us down and brings up old feelings of hurt, betrayal, rejection and so on. To me, this is what it means to be human. Baggage is simply scars of what’s happened in your past. It’s how you package it and carry it that counts. Miss Sunshine seemed hurt that Mr Mac had retreated with no word. It came off as rude and disinterested – in short, it hurt her. And she doesn’t want to get hurt – that’s normal – so her reaction was to put her barriers up. Reduce communications, put it to the back of her mind because being hurt means she’s vulnerable when it comes to him. And that’s not good. My advice was it was pointless to punish him for something he knew nothing about. I’m not talking about her being pissed at him forgetting simple manners like saying hello once in a while, but for her feeling vulnerable. She comes off as being very independent – the type of girl who wouldn’t be bothered if the guy she’s dating dropped away for a while as she is prone to do the same. But because she’d been vulnerable and hurt in the past, she didn’t want to go there again and Mr Mac’s lack of communication had confused and upset her. Mr Mac doesn’t know about this ex who hurt her, or (I think) just how much Miss Sunshine has grown to like him over the past three months. In my eyes, it wasn’t fair on either of them for baggage to get in the way of them getting over this hiccup and back on track.

I don’t think emotional baggage is something anyone can truly ever get rid of. Why would you want to? Some people (including myself) believe in the motto that everything happens for a reason. Even bad things – they mould and shape us, and we learn from our mistakes. Some people take it to extremes and become bitter. We’ve all heard of men who find it extremely difficult to settle down after being burnt in a relationship and flit from woman to woman, or women who categorise all men as bastards because of one, toxic guy. When you carry it around and mope in it, it doesn’t do you any favours because your hands are too full for anything else. Nor can you pretend it isn’t there because it will eventually make a nasty, unscheduled appearance. Now, if you’re like Miss Sunshine, who was genuinely surprised to learn she had baggage until recently, at least you can do something about it. You can decide to realise that it’s not your fault for being hurt how you were, or for being cheated on, or left to raise three kids on your own or whatever it is that happened. People need closure for a reason. If you’re too busy shielding yourself behind your baggage then you’ll never really allow yourself to deal with anything new.

Sharing baggage with someone else is a scary thing, no question. I’m not for one second suggesting you go into all the nitty gritty, but if you’re closing parts of yourself off to someone then you can’t expect them to understand why you act the way you do or to think their behaviour isn’t hurting you. Nobody can reach their late twenties or early thirties without having been hurt. Would you want to date someone who had? Someone who hadn’t ever been hurt and so wouldn’t be able to appreciate something good? In Miss Sunshine’s case, Mr Mac had been through something very similar himself in the past so you’d hope he’d have a more sympathetic ear than most.

When it comes to relationships, I’m a firm believer in high risk equals high reward. When you like someone, really like someone, I’m all for giving it 100%. Which means warts and all. Nobody is perfect, but by not sharing your worries and fears, in a sense, you’re trying to be. And that can’t be sustained. Putting yourself on the line means leaving yourself open, but surely that’s better than sabotaging a good thing?

In A Serious State Of Confusion!

OK, I need some advice. I know I have a penchant to always assume the worst, but even the ever optimisitic Miss Sunshine has been stumped by this one.

So, as you know, I’ve been sunning it up (and I use that term loosely) in Ibiza with Miss Yoyo and Miss Sunshine over the last week. It was a nice holiday, but it’s been somewhat overshadowed by a text I got from Mr Grey. He had his second sitting for his half sleeve tattoo, and he sent me a picture of it. It wasn’t until I got back to the hotel that night that I looked at it properly, and noticed some roman numerals. When I looked at the date, I realised its significance. It’s the date he got married.

Now, he separated from his wife two years ago in bad circumstances. So I can’t understand why he’d want to have the date of his wedding etched forever more onto his skin. Add to that the fact that when I asked what it was, I got swatted away like a fly and I am thoroughly confused. Since then, I’ve barely eaten – all I feel is sick. Am I being used as a distraction for him? Is he still pining for her? Is the fact they’re only separated and not divorced really because of money, or is it something else? They have a LOT of contact and while I know they have to because they have kids, I’m now wondering if having kids might be an excuse for him to have contact. Is it just a map of significant things that have happened in his life? And if so, how am I meant to feel about that? It doesn’t help that he almost rammed the fact that his vasectomy was 100% final down my throat either.

Should I be worried?

I plan to ask these things when I see him, which isn’t for another 4 days. For someone as impatient as me, this is absolute torture and I can’t promise that I’ll hold out until then. I’m not an unreasonable person, but this has thrown me into a state of confusion over where I stand. It’s making me initiate a conversation I didn’t think we needed to have yet. The ‘what is this relationship about’ conversation. I was happy to just go with the flow before, we were getting on well enough and he was the one leading on everything, but now I’m not sure whether I’m coming or going. I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused about anything before. Ever.

I can’t even think about my holiday – this has just overshadowed it for me, and that is not a good thing. Though I did have fun.

I don’t know what to do.

😦

There Were Three In The Bed….

Picture the scene. You’re lying cuddling and kissing in bed in a lovely post coital glow. Then to add to this lovely picture there’s a glow from your lovers phone. It’s a text. From the ex.

Sigh.

I had a lovely night with Mr Grey last night before he goes away for a few days, and after indulging in a bit of the other, the above happened. It’s becoming a bit of a habit that his phone will beep with a message from his ex when we’re together. This time she texted something trivial, something that no right minded person would text their ex. Not when there’s technology that can tell that person the same thing. When he told me it was a message from her, I said the ‘oh, ok’ and rolled over to check my own phone.

I should say that the green eyed monster does make an appearance now and then with me. And it’s starting to make its presence known. I already struggle to understand just how Mr Grey can be so amiable with the woman that not only broke his heart but did so in the most humiliating way. They have kids together, I get that, and so there will always be contact between them, but she seems to have a lot of access to him. I’m trying to keep things in check. It’s not attractive to have someone nagging jealously – trust me, I know. And we’re not ‘exclusively dating’ in so much as it hasn’t been said out loud. I’m just hoping that when things do get ‘official’, some boundaries will be set.

It’s put me in a bit of a foul mood this morning, which is a shame. It would be nice to spend some together without him having to cut things short thanks to his ex. They split a couple of years ago so I’m not thinking there’s a possibility of them getting back together – he’d need his head checking if they did. So that’s something I suppose.

I’m getting to the stage where I’m thinking certain conversations need to be had. There are some things he’s reluctant to talk about, plus, there’s the fact he’s unable to have more kids – a choice he himself made. When you’re 28 and hoping to settle down, this is a very important thing.

Why can’t things ever be straight forward?