Or at least she’s taking a deep breath and gearing up to. The thing is, I’m thinking about putting the kibosh on things with The Frenchman. Shocker.
In my second to last post, I spoke about the gut feeling I had thanks to his lack of comms. That was alleviated momentarily when I finally heard from him and since then, our comms resumed normal activity but on Friday, when I asked how April was looking for him, the reply threw me. He’s busy every weekend. He has a friend coming to stay one weekend, the next he’s helping a friend move house. Then he’s going to Amsterdam and then he’s going skiing. Then he’s going to his parents for a week. The result? I wouldn’t see him until the end of May if I was lucky since he’s meant to be going away with his boys for a week too. What’s wrong with this picture?
Well, it’ll be what? 3 months since we last saw each other by that time. And I get the feeling that if I didn’t ask about April, he wouldn’t have told me. Just like we’ve gone the whole of March without putting any plans in place. Which isn’t normal since we’ve always, always made future arrangements. Plus, he’s already been skiing this season. Ski holidays are expensive, yet he’s worried about money because of his job. Again, I’m trying not to do the “if it were me” thing but if it were me, I’d think hang on, I’ve already been skiing. This is the only weekend I’ll have free for ages and I miss my boyfriend. So maybe I’ll leave the skiing, since I’ve only just been a few weeks ago, and I’ll see if my boyfriend’s free that weekend instead. Is that unrealistic? For all he knows, I could’ve been busy that weekend myself (my birthday weekend, incidentally) but I’d have still asked or had the thought to ask.
I’m a big believer that if you like someone, you make time for them. End of story. It feels like he doesn’t have time for a relationship, even one like ours which is frankly, minimal effort. Right now, he feels like a boyfriend by name only. Now we only communicate by email. I’m waiting for him to call me for a change, but it’s unlikely. We don’t use the instant communicator on our phones anymore either. And I can’t even remember the last time we swapped pictures. He’s a man right? And men have needs. And in a long distance relationship its bad enough knowing you’ve got to go so long without getting laid. And when you send a picture and get a thankful response and nothing else, that makes me wonder. And the fact I know none of his mates doesn’t help. I’m an abstract thing to them. If he were to pull someone on a night out, they wouldn’t remind him that he has me. Whereas my friends would. Even if I went ahead and pulled anyway, they know enough about him to intervene. Whenever I go to see him, it’s just us. His friends don’t come into the equation at all. Oh and there was a message on his fridge the last time. To say he was at the post office, with a term of endearment meant for a female (close female at that and given how the french speak, it wasn’t likely to be a friend). Since he didn’t go to the post office when I was there, it wasn’t for me. And no, I didn’t ask who it was for because nobody would be so stupid to leave it on there if they were doing something wrong, right? Either way he seemed unphased when I asked him about it. Instead of telling me who it was for he translated it (leaving out the endearing phrase). It was basic french. Could’ve understood it a mile off. So I left it.
So as usual, my self preservation instincts are kicking in big time. And I’m wondering if I should just call time on things. I emailed him back (that’s the other annoying thing, all these bloody emails) and told him how I felt on Friday night. Bearing in mind that whenever there’s been questions about our relationship, he’s replied same day. I wasn’t surprised not to have a reply by Friday night but I still haven’t got one. Which kind of tells me all I need to know really. He never replies to me at the weekend. Ever. Never once. Miss America said he’s treating me like a mistress and in some ways she’s right. And it’s wearing thin.
When I dropped the L-bomb, it happened so spontaneously that it must have been true, even if only for that moment. I know he makes me feel special, content, appreciated and adored when I’m with him. But let’s face it, that’s only once a month on average. That can’t be sustained forever. It’s not enough. Bogs commented on my second to last post saying that most long distance relationships end because of a lack of direction or common goal. We don’t have that. Whenever we’ve spoken about staying anything longer than a weekend, he’s got all scared about it and has now disappeared into the ether. Which doesn’t make me feel special, content, appreciated or adored. Neither does him forgetting I exist every weekend. He’s a great guy but right now, it’s not enough for me.
I actually went out last night with a guy friend of a friend I met at a party last week. It was all above board, I told him straight away I had a boyfriend but we chatted, talking about music and gigs and things. I felt bad because I spoke to him more than I had with The Frenchman in weeks (not for lack of trying). But last night, I agreed to meet up with him and we had some drinks, rode on bumper cars and laughed a lot. And it felt great. And I don’t know what that says about me to be honest. Or my current situation.
So, I’ve got some real thinking to do. There’s nothing I can do about bad timing but I feel like I should maybe quit while I’m ahead and before I get hurt. Or before I do something silly.
Big, fat, enormous sigh.