Sigh. Why do I do this to myself? I know it’s probably nothing but hey, it’s my blog and I’ll moan if I want to, right?
I’ve had a weird feeling over the past few days. A gut feeling you could say. That feeling when something is not quite right, even when there’s little to no evidence to support it. And, of course, it’s about The Frenchman.
So far, there’s no plans for me to return. Usually we set a date soon after we see each other but this time, he said he was entering a “difficult period” and he didn’t want to give me a date only to have to change it. I know this is about his job because he might be made redundant and he’s supposed to find out this month. The last he told me, he could find out within 7 days or a month. Not quite sure how their employment laws work in France but hey. He’s been having sleepless nights and he’s stressing out about it. So it’s all a bit unsure as to when I’ll see him next. Either way it looks doubtful it’ll be this month. Besides that, our comms have been feeling weird. Instant messages haven’t been as instant as they were and yesterday, after waiting with baited breath for his email, I went to bed feeling disappointed. Nothing.
I know I’m probably being over dramatic but I’m getting that feeling. The ‘its not you, it’s me’ feeling. Of course I know he’s busy at work, staying in the office way into the evening etc etc. And I’m trying really hard not to think ‘well if it were me…’. Because if it were me, I’d want to see the person I profess makes me feel better, takes my mind off work etc etc. I’d want to have something to look forward to. He’s releasing his stress if his emails are anything to go on. Big, mad nights out with his mates at the weekend, etc etc but still.
The truth is, I feel massively vulnerable with him. He’s gotten so far under my skin that it scares me sometimes. I flit between feeling secure and afraid. Every time I see an email from him in my inbox, I have a fleeting moment where I think he’s going to tell me he can’t do this anymore. The stress of his work is too much. He’s not in the right frame of mind for a relationship like this. He can’t handle the distance. And I’d be devastated if that happened. Because there’s nothing I can do about it. We don’t speak long term. I have no idea how long ‘this’ will continue in its present state.
Maybe I’m just having an off few days. Probably some kind of backwards PMS. But my experience, and the experience of others, is telling me to trust the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. That no matter how much you feel about someone and no matter how you think they feel about you, the rug can be pulled from under your feet without warning. I’ll have to see what he says today, if he remembers to email me that is.
Oh. Some good news. I just got an email from a big publisher to say they’re starting a new imprint and have suggested my book be put forward for consideration. Didn’t even make me crack a smile but its good news I suppose.