Gut Feelings

Sigh. Why do I do this to myself? I know it’s probably nothing but hey, it’s my blog and I’ll moan if I want to, right?

I’ve had a weird feeling over the past few days.Ā  A gut feeling you could say. That feeling when something is not quite right, even when there’s little to no evidence to support it. And, of course, it’s about The Frenchman.

So far, there’s no plans for me to return. Usually we set a date soon after we see each other but this time, he said he was entering a “difficult period” and he didn’t want to give me a date only to have to change it. I know this is about his job because he might be made redundant and he’s supposed to find out this month. The last he told me, he could find out within 7 days or a month. Not quite sure how their employment laws work in France but hey. He’s been having sleepless nights and he’s stressing out about it. So it’s all a bit unsure as to when I’ll see him next. Either way it looks doubtful it’ll be this month. Besides that, our comms have been feeling weird. Instant messages haven’t been as instant as they were and yesterday, after waiting with baited breath for his email, I went to bed feeling disappointed. Nothing.

I know I’m probably being over dramatic but I’m getting that feeling. The ‘its not you, it’s me’ feeling. Of course I know he’s busy at work, staying in the office way into the evening etc etc. And I’m trying really hard not to think ‘well if it were me…’. Because if it were me, I’d want to see the person I profess makes me feel better, takes my mind off work etc etc. I’d want to have something to look forward to. He’s releasing his stress if his emails are anything to go on. Big, mad nights out with his mates at the weekend, etc etc but still.

The truth is, I feel massively vulnerable with him. He’s gotten so far under my skin that it scares me sometimes. I flit between feeling secure and afraid. Every time I see an email from him in my inbox, I have a fleeting moment where I think he’s going to tell me he can’t do this anymore. The stress of his work is too much. He’s not in the right frame of mind for a relationship like this. He can’t handle the distance. And I’d be devastated if that happened. Because there’s nothing I can do about it. We don’t speak long term. I have no idea how long ‘this’ will continue in its present state.

Maybe I’m just having an off few days. Probably some kind of backwards PMS. But my experience, and the experience of others, is telling me to trust the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. That no matter how much you feel about someone and no matter how you think they feel about you, the rug can be pulled from under your feet without warning. I’ll have to see what he says today, if he remembers to email me that is.

Oh. Some good news. I just got an email from a big publisher to say they’re starting a new imprint and have suggested my book be put forward for consideration. Didn’t even make me crack a smile but its good news I suppose.


13 thoughts on “Gut Feelings

  1. You crack that smile! That’s wonderful! You can bitch and moan on your blog all you want, lady, men are confusing šŸ™‚ As long as you know, awesome things are happening for you with or without his presence! I’d leave him alone for a few days, make him feel a little of what you’re feeling now, he’ll soon put two and two together

    • Thank you! Work’s been mental as well which didn’t help! Drama over now anyway, stand by for an update lol. As for the awesomeness, I’ll wait and see. I’ve had disappointment from their parent company before so I don’t want to get too excited…

  2. What I know is, it’s not so easy to fire workers in France, unlike in the US. If workers are to be fired, compensation is quite lot. France is very generous in social affairs, more so than in the US. For the time being, he is not in dire straits yet.

    When we go into a relationship,hoping that things will always work. Not sure, how long you have been with him or how deep is the emotional involvement with him. Women’s instincts are usually quite accurate. You just observe him carefully and also ‘listen’ to your instincts,then you work a way which you deem is better for you.

    Don’t treat him as if he is the everything in your life. There are still other things. Focus on those other things that can cheer you up.

    • Yeah he would get a generous package but he said he’s worried about finding as good a job in the same city as he’s been lucky where he is. He’d most likely have to go to Paris which he doesn’t want to do.

      He’s definitely not ‘my life’ ive learnt that from my last relationship! And being long distance I can’t revolve around him. But my feelings are very deep

  3. He is probably just under a lot of stress especially with today economy, I know it doesn’t make you feel better, but us man almost always prefer to deal with our stresses on our own, talking it out with somebody just doesn’t work for us.

    Just give him some time and space.

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