No, this isn’t a new guy on the go. This is The Frenchman. In our email exhange, I’d told him I was going to look at what was on in Marseille during March for my week long stay. It’s been named European City of Culture for 2013 so there should be lots of fun things to do, concerts, shows etc. He didn’t quite understand my message and asked if I’d be coming for a week in February or March. In my message, I’d jokingly said I could get an apartment for the week if that made him less scared, mocking him for when he said a month together scared him. Obviously I was joking although I accept this may have been lost in translation and e-communication. Anyway, in his reply he said if I was coming for the weekend I have to stay with him, I’d have no choice in the matter. Sweet. Then he said, if I’m coming for a week then we could speak about me staying at a hotel for a couple of nights and made a joking apology for being a chicken.
What the fuck?
I’m not even going to pretend I’m not disappointed. First of all we’d spoken about a month. Then a week. Now this. The month I totally understand and would have no problem staying in an apartment. I wouldn’t want him to feel he’d have to chaperone me for 30 days. In theory, I’d do it for a week as well. I don’t mind the idea of occupying myself for a few days, I’d said in my very first post that I wanted to go somewhere foreign and fend for myself. But really? A week isn’t that long, is it? It makes little sense to me. His signals are becoming confusing.
He constantly tells me he misses me, can’t wait to see me etc etc. Yet he’d be happy for me to make the journey there, at my own expense, and stay in a hotel? If it was me, I wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing he was in my country, let alone city, without seeing him as much as I could. It’s not like we get to see each other as and when we want.
I don’t understand what he’s so scared about. I don’t know what’s happened in his last relationships or if he’s just always been like this. But now I have the memory of him telling me he didn’t know if he was ready for a serious relationship and it’s worrying me. He doesn’t want to break my heart, he’s very scared about doing so is what he told me before. But he’s a sensible guy, he must know the longer we go on, the more I’m going to get attached. What does he want? Should I ask the question, again? I can’t help but feel my dropping of the L Bomb is coming back to bite my little arse.
I have no idea how to respond. I can’t ignore that bit of his email. I feel like telling him it was actually a joke but maybe we should just stick to weekends only. And not bother booking any more trips until he asks me to. I don’t want to play games, everything has been spectacularly uncomplicated so far but I can feel my self protectiveness biting and well, if he thinks he’s self protective he has no idea how I can be too. I’ve been more open and honest with him than I have been with anyone. The Ex included.
It’s the first time he’s sent me a message that hasn’t put a smile on my face and kept it there for hours. This long distance set up is bloody hard and I don’t know if I’m just hitting a runners wall and feeling disheartened. The rest of his message was normal, with his usual declarations of romance etc etc. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel like a bear with a sore head today.
I don’t usually ask for advice but, well, what to do??