Mr Uncomplicated becomes…complicated

No, this isn’t a new guy on the go. This is The Frenchman. In our email exhange, I’d told him I was going to look at what was on in Marseille during March for my week long stay. It’s been named European City of Culture for 2013 so there should be lots of fun things to do, concerts, shows etc. He didn’t quite understand my message and asked if I’d be coming for a week in February or March. In my message, I’d jokingly said I could get an apartment for the week if that made him less scared, mocking him for when he said a month together scared him.  Obviously I was joking although I accept this may have been lost in translation and e-communication. Anyway, in his reply he said if I was coming for the weekend I have to stay with him, I’d have no choice in the matter. Sweet. Then he said, if I’m coming for a week then we could speak about me staying at a hotel for a couple of nights and made a joking apology for being a chicken.

What the fuck?

I’m not even going to pretend I’m not disappointed. First of all we’d spoken about a month. Then a week. Now this. The month I totally understand and would have no problem staying in an apartment. I wouldn’t want him to feel he’d have to chaperone me for 30 days. In theory, I’d do it for a week as well. I don’t mind the idea of occupying myself for a few days, I’d said in my very first post that I wanted to go somewhere foreign and fend for myself. But really? A week isn’t that long, is it? It makes little sense to me. His signals are becoming confusing.

He constantly tells me he misses me, can’t wait to see me etc etc. Yet he’d be happy for me to make the journey there, at my own expense, and stay in a hotel? If it was me, I wouldn’t be able to cope with knowing he was in my country, let alone city, without seeing him as much as I could. It’s not like we get to see each other as and when we want.

I don’t understand what he’s so scared about. I don’t know what’s happened in his last relationships or if he’s just always been like this. But now I have the memory of him telling me he didn’t know if he was ready for a serious relationship and it’s worrying me. He doesn’t want to break my heart, he’s very scared about doing so is what he told me before. But he’s a sensible guy, he must know the longer we go on, the more I’m going to get attached. What does he want? Should I ask the question, again? I can’t help but feel my dropping of the L Bomb is coming back to bite my little arse.

I have no idea how to respond. I can’t ignore that bit of his email. I feel like telling him it was actually a joke but maybe we should just stick to weekends only. And not bother booking any more trips until he asks me to. I don’t want to play games, everything has been spectacularly uncomplicated so far but I can feel my self protectiveness biting and well, if he thinks he’s self protective he has no idea how I can be too. I’ve been more open and honest with him than I have been with anyone. The Ex included.

It’s the first time he’s sent me a message that hasn’t put a smile on my face and kept it there for hours. This long distance set up is bloody hard and I don’t know if I’m just hitting a runners wall and feeling disheartened. The rest of his message was normal, with his usual declarations of romance etc etc. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel like a bear with a sore head today.

I don’t usually ask for advice but, well, what to do??

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5 thoughts on “Mr Uncomplicated becomes…complicated

  1. With or without him, if Marseille is a place you keen to go, just go there for your holidays. As for the guy, he seems to be not sure about himself – whether he is keen with you or not. On emails,it’s always very easy to say stuff like I miss you or you miss me. Go there with an open mind. If things work out, fine. But make sure, you come out with a Plan B if things don’t work out. Getting along and understanding another person takes time and is not easy.

    • Thanks for your comment. I do like marseille so I would go there regardless, its just a bit disconcerting. It is easy to profess missing someone by email etc. I need to remember that

  2. My advice the two of you need to talk about each of your expectations. You may have started on the same path, but you may have slipped down different paths. Little Miss and I had this. My heart fell deeply for her early and fast. We have been patient with each other. I patiently wait for her to move forward. She is patient and accepting of my desire to move ahead. We do find balance.

    To mitigate the fear and uncertainty of the strength of the LDR, Little Miss and I came up with an understanding on how to ask simple is we are ok with each other and our relationship . This lets us make sure we don’t end up too far on different paths. I discuss it on my blog in the post titled “The Most Important Three Words In A Relationship”

    I hope you are quickly able to move past this and find balance together again.

  3. I’m so sorry for your crisis. Long distance relationships are hard. LittleMiss and I have been in one since August. We have had our disappointments, but I have always wanted to be supporting her in travel. As for looking after her on extended stays. Well I treasure those times. Here is a poem I wrote for and about being with her as an example.

    Surrender of Sleep

    I hear you sleeping next to me.
    You inhale and exhale, your chest rising and falling.
    Strong and deep you take in the cold night air and return breath warm, moist full of your life.

    I’m transfixed on you.
    The realization of the connection terrifies me.
    I can’t imagine a life without you.
    A night not filled with the sweet rhythm of you.
    Is this what love is? The knowledge that you are longer whole without the other next to you?

    You stir, disrupted by some ethereal pest plaguing your dreams.
    I hear my name mixed with your breath.

    “I’m here, you’re safe. Nothing can harm you.”

    You say my name again and the night air carries you back to slumber.
    Again I hear you sleeping next to me.
    You inhale and exhale, your chest rising and falling. I am lost in you.

    My hope and my dreams are drawn in and released with your every sigh.
    I close my eyes and turn to you.
    In my minds eye I see your smile.
    My minds ears ring with the song of your laughter.
    My heart leaps.

    Slowly conciousness fails and I join you in restful bliss.
    Content in the knowledge that I am yours. I surrender to the fear and find peace.

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