So I received a text from my ex a little while ago. Given that I’d seen him on the way to work yesterday I was kind of expecting it. Turns out, he misses me. Finds it hard to understand life without me etc etc etc. Given that I’d have pretty much sold my soul to get back with him at one point, all I could do was shrug my shoulders. The fact he’s still shovelling coke up his nose and living like a party animal speaks volumes, though apparently its because he feels guilty for it taking over our relationship.
Apparently he thought I looked good yesterday (I didn’t) and reckoned it was because I looked more confident. And you know, maybe that’s because I am. It sounds so cheesy, but I feel like I’ve found myself again, and yes, I am confident. I walk around with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. It would appear that I’m finding this altogether easier than he is.
A month ago, I’d have read into his text messages, thinking, maybe he wants me back. But now, I know better. He’s feeling lonely and has caught a glimpse of me at my best and now he’s thinking about the good times we had together. Nothing more and nothing less. Like I said yesterday, I change my mind more than most girls change their knickers, but I’m not changing my mind on this. Because the fact is, if he loved me, and I mean really loved me, and really missed me and wanted to do something about it, he’d have made changes. He’d stop spending obscene amounts of money on Columbia’s finest and sort himself out. He’d put me first for once. And even if he did, I honestly don’t think I’d go back anyway.
I love my life now. I haven’t felt so happy for a sustained period for years. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I’m excited about things. I want to go out and meet people and have fun instead of being cooped up indoors. I don’t want to have to sit up until stupid o’clock while my boyfriend gets off his nut and chats ten to the dozen. I want to live my life the way I want to.
I think some people find it weird that I can be so OK about everything after such a long relationship, but I genuinely am. I’m not big headed, but I know I have a lot of good qualities about me. I have plenty to offer to the right guy. I’m smart, I’m independent, I have a great job and great prospects, and when I love, I love hard, with everything I have. While I’m sad for him having to block out reality through a haze of Class A substances, I’m not going to sacrifice myself for anyone. Love, I’ve discovered, is not the be all and end all, and in a relationship, it’s most definitely not enough on its own.
I devoted almost 10 years to him, I’ll always love him on some level, he was my best friend and I owe him a lot. If I hadn’t met him, I definitely wouldn’t be in the job I’m in now, since he pushed me to study, and I wouldn’t have met my closest friends. But I deserve a hell of a lot more than I got. All I can say is that I wish him well.