Phew. It’s only taken a couple of hours, but I’ve finally moved my blog to its new home. Now, quick introductions for anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across my blog (odds are low, the whole world seems to be blogging now): I’m 28, from London, good job, nice family, friends etc etc etc. In other words, fairly normal. Though I do like to talk. A lot. I’ve always been pretty crap at keeping diaries as I only ever tended to write in them when things were dire, but I’ve decided to make a concerted effort to write even when I feel good to remind myself that, as shit as things can get, they usually balance themselves out.
Today has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. After feeling perfectly fine for a good while now, I ended up having a huge argument with the F-wit ex. It’s amazing that he still manages to wind me up like this, but it’s another lesson learned. They say love is blind and it’s really true. Having put up with so much for so long, I can now look back and know that I won’t EVER put myself in that situation again. After a decade long relationship, I’ve come to realise the following:
- When it’s over, it’s over. Do not go back. Do not beg to be taken back. It ended for a reason (although I did clench my fists when people said this to me, it’s indeed very true).
- Your friends are your lifeline. I don’t have many, I prefer close friends to many acquaintances, but bloody hell, did they prop me up. I went from being certain I’d made the right decision, to going off the rails, to becoming an angry snivelling wreck and now I’m back to being my usual self. They’re diamonds – all of them.
- Now matter how amicable the split, being friends rarely works. After 10 years I couldn’t imagine my ex not being in my life. I still loved him, I just couldn’t be with him. But I can’t know what he gets up to now and I don’t want to, since the very reasons I left – the overuse of alcohol and recreational drugs, coming second to absolutely everything – hasn’t changed. Moreover, I don’t want to know when he’s seeing someone else.
- Sort out the nitty gritty stuff. I lived with my ex and when he stayed on in the flat, I left some of the bills in my name. Yes, I know, very stupid. But since he was only going to be there for a couple more months, what was the point. I was the one who left, I didn’t want to cause him more stress and all he had to to was pay them and direct debits are easy enough to set up right? Wrong. Never, ever, let someone have control over your finances. While he didn’t have my bank card or my purse, his failure to pay the bills has come back squarely on me. And now I have to find another few hundred pounds to pay this shit off (hence the argument today). No matter how much you love someone, when you leave – LEAVE. They can fend for themselves (in most cases). We all have to, it’s life.
- I’m pretty bloody fabulous. I’m not big headed – far from it. But I’ve come to realise I can actually do whatever I want. Yes my ex loved me but after such a long time, that spark had gone. The appreciation for the day to day things had long worn off and I’d walked around feeling…well…a bit like I wasn’t fulfilling my life. And, OK, so I’m living with my parents again (the shame) and my heart was broken, but I’m a great person. I have a decent life and it’s not the end of the world.
It’s fair to say the last 6 months have been pretty turbulent and things are only just settling down. I’m past the stage of taking it one day at a time now and looking back, I can see how far I’ve come. I’ve come back out from under my shell to be the person I used to be. My confidence is back. Now, I want to go do stuff. I want to go away for the weekend on my own (no easy feat for someone who’s used to travelling everywhere with a partner). I want to fly by myself and I want to be somewhere where I have to rely on just myself. I want to start dancing again, I want to take swimming lessons so I won’t freak out going out of my depth in the sea. Which is the real reason for this blog really. I want to be able to look back on old posts and see how far I’ve come.
I’m not a crazy motivational type of person, not at all. But I’m feeling pretty damned good right now. And it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the fact that I have a long lunch tomorrow with a beautiful old friend and her ridiculously attractive mate.